According to the NHS website “it’s not fully understood why the condition (vaginismus) happens. Factors can include: thinking the vagina is too small, negative sexual thoughts, previous sexual abuse or unwelcome telepathic interference from The Evil Fish Of Planet Thargon”.

Ok, I made that last one up, but really: what’s the matter with these people? Isn’t it obvious why it happens: the vagina has had unwelcome or painful experiences, and doesn’t want to have any more.

And it’s not just women.  Sometimes gay men have a similar response with their anus, and for the same reason. The body wants to protect itself.

And once that urge to protect against touch is there, is it really the best approach to talk about it?  Surely it’s obvious: if the body is responding to bad experience, the best way out is to give it a good experience.

What would that look like?

In my work with women and men, what I’ve noticed is that if there’s been unwelcome touch to a part of the body, the vagina say, then touch won’t be felt there at all, it will just be numb. Then, there will be a feeling of physical discomfort, burning, for example.  And after that, there will be an emotional response, often a feeling of irritation. Sometimes the order is different.

Once all of these feelings have been given voice, the body can then experience something different. But the residue of the bad experiences has to come out first.  This will only happen when the touch is loving, respectful and responsive to the body.  And there needs to be full trust and full dialogue between the giver and the receiver.

The work is slow, but it is very heartful.

The most important thing is to create a process where the body can move from feeling powerless, tense and fearfully anticipating what’s about to happen to one where it is relaxed, present focused, empowered and able to feel what it feels.

And it isn’t just unwelcome touch from another that’s been experienced. Often, that unwelcome touch can come from ourselves, and our ideas of what our bodies should be doing and feeling. In my experience, people often think that their genitals should feel arousal in response to touch, and if they don’t, or don’t feel enough, the touch needs to be stronger and faster. And that sets up a vicious cycle, where we never quite get where we want to go. The solution to this isn’t to get the body aroused, but to get the body relaxed, and from there, arousal will naturally follow. It doesn’t need to be forced.

We can’t just jump from numbness to pleasure and arousal.  We have to re-experience with our body and with our whole being, what caused the trauma in the first place, but in a space which gives the receiver power, autonomy and direction, and which is lovingly relational.  We do not need to dwell in the pain.  With loving support it is possible to release the effects of the past and move on.

You can contact me here

You can read more about my approach here




One of my friends is an acupuncturist, and she told me that increasing numbers of women – overbusy women – were coming to her with fertility issues.  One way she treats these women is to increase their receptivity and their heart connection.  She imagined that couples trying to have a baby thought of intercourse as a means to an end, a necessity, rather than in terms of pleasure and connection. She thought if I could work with these type of clients, they could re-learn to receive, to feel, to experience, and not be so caught up in the goal of conception. And that would help them conceive, because this approach had been successful for her clients.

Another friend is a student midwife. She wanted to write a dissertation about sexual arousal while giving birth, but found that the literature is silent on it. It’s as if the two are in entirely separate categories.

A third friend is a physiotherapist working in the NHS. Her speciality is working with women who have problems with their pelvic floor. She can touch the women, obviously, but is absolutely forbidden to talk about pleasure. ‘Healing’ and ‘Pleasure’ are considered completely separate.

This division and ‘scientific’ approach is all very weird, because pleasure, anatomy, conception and birth are all intimately connected.


Because pleasure is the proof of our bodies – of ourselves – working properly. Pain, or numbness, is what happens when there’s something wrong. It’s simple.

The erectile tissue in the vagina that becomes engorged during sexual pleasure has a double function. It protects the vagina during intercourse, and it protects the vagina when the baby’s coming out. It’s the same engorgement, so you’d think it would be the same pleasure response. And some women do say that giving birth is the most erotic experience they’ve ever had. And that’s in a society which completely disconnects the two.

It often seems to be the case that women who have difficulties in conceiving are often quite driven, high achieving type A personalities who find it hard to relax and pleasurably receive, and for whom sex can often be a frustrating experience. And in their self pleasure, they are likely to use a vibrator, possibly on the highest setting. In other words, they have a habitual tension, which is overcome by the greater, pleasurable sensation of the vibrator, and the temporary release.

I believe that this habitual tension is a major inhibitor to becoming pregnant. It’s nothing to do with the mechanics, a lot of the time. Despite this, couples spend a fortune on fertility treatment, which generally doesn’t work.

So if a key to pregnancy is becoming more relaxed, how do you go about it?

There are two options.

The first is to receive bodywork from me. The purpose of this is to relax the body back into its natural, pleasurable state, which, I believe, will make conception easier.

The second option, either if you don’t like the idea of intimate bodywork, or if you’re nowhere near Glasgow, is to consult me by video call with your partner. I can then, adapting the more general work I do with couples, give you exercises to carry out together in your own time which will foster pleasure, connection and receptivity. We then meet  afterwards to review and adjust these exercises, and add new ones. Sessions are an hour, and the process will take between 5 and 10 sessions.

It doesn’t seem a big leap to suggest that pleasure, far from being a side effect is, thankfully, central to our functioning.  But if we’re stressed and our body is tense, which is where most of us habitually are, then we won’t feel this normal natural bodily pleasure, and our functioning will be impaired.. That stress and tension can be attended to, relatively easily and inexpensively, and when it is, your natural capacity for easy bodily pleasure can be restored. And pleasure makes it easier for our bodies to work as they should. Which includes you becoming pregnant.

you can contact me here


Lots of people think that erotic touch needs to be high energy. If a lot of sexual energy isn’t flowing, so goes the idea, then the touch isn’t working. I don’t think that’s true, and actually I would argue it’s positively harmful.


I say this because if you scratch beneath the surface of this idea, we find the further idea that our sexuality can be explained in a primarily energetic on/off button kind of way. If I stroke your face, you might feel all sorts of things: energetic, emotional, connective. But somehow that doesn’t apply to the genitals, which are thought of in quite a functional way: are they “working” or not? We then think of our sexuality as something separate from us: our genitals are like a slave that we can order about. But sometimes, the slave will protest.


I have thought about this when working with clients who have reported feelings of genital numbness. This seems quite widespread, particularly among women, and I think it’s misunderstood.


I don’t think that numbness means that the body isn’t working properly and needs fixing. Through working with a number of women, I’ve come to the view that numbness, particularly genital or vaginal numbness, is the body’s response to being touched in a way it doesn’t like. And the solution is to work with the client to uncover the feelings underneath the numbness, and allow those feelings to be expressed.


Learning to feel again


One client felt that she was quite constricted, and when she had attempted sex, it had been painful. She felt both numb, and anxious about sex.


We agreed to focus on very soft, gentle touch. We agreed where and how she would be touched, so there would be no surprises. And we agreed to stay in dialogue throughout: she would tell me what she was feeling from moment to moment. This was a very slow process, as you might imagine, but as we carried on, it became clear to the client that she did have sensation, that she wasn’t numb in the physical sense at all, but that she was emotionally indifferent to the sensation she was feeling. Telling herself she was “numb” closed off any inquiry. Realizing this, she remembered that she would always feel anxious at the prospect of being penetrated.


Another client, who also reported feeling numb, when we worked together, again in the same slow way, actually experienced physical discomfort, then irritation, then both gradually disappeared. Her body’s reaction to touch it didn’t like had been expressed, and so didn’t need to stay, covered over by “numbness”.


We all came into the world with a love to be touched. But when we’re touched in a way we don’t like, there’s a reaction, and that reaction can get stuck in our bodies. To return to the analogy of the slave, if she can express herself, and be heard, and discover what she loves, then everything changes.

If you’d like to explore further, you can contact me here

You can read more of my approach here