Learning with love and sex coaching takes many directions

Many of us are interested in increasing our sexual desire and learning to please our partner more.  Shouldn’t this just be easy and fun, and be a positive change, you would think so wouldn’t you?

Going through from Glasgow to Edinburgh at 6.00 on Saturday morning I am struck by my reaction to getting a new car that would save me money and support me in developing a new practice that I love.  It is dismay!  I had grown used to being carried into town and home again by the train driver.  All I had to do was turn up and I could sleep on early and late journeys and study and reflect during the rest.

Now I would have to concentrate on working out new controls and navigate the whole journey.  I would have to avoid bad drivers, make calculations about extra time for bad weather and road works.  I would be sitting in traffic jams and trying to avoid those pesky traffic cameras.  All this seemed like stress and anxiety to me!  I didn’t know the route in and I missed my comfy old executive saloon car with the roomy boot!  So I drove in the first few times at the maximum speed limit, hands clenching the steering wheel hard when I hit difficult situations and road conditions.

A month later I marvel at all the self-induced stress.   My response to the new is rather perfectionist.  How do I do it right?  What problems could come up that I can avoid or be prepared for by planning in advance?  How can I make this new situation work best for me?  Like many people my approach to the new is not the childish glee of a child with a new toy but starts with adult worry.

Relaxing and reconnecting

When it comes to changing our sex and love lives we can interrupt those habits of stressing when trying something new. It can be as simple as relaxing and reconnecting with the original nature of our bodies. Taking this approach gives opportunities to find easy and enjoyable ways to learn new things that you can practice at home and in your relationships.

John’s attitude to driving a new car is exactly opposite to mine and reflects a large part of the dynamics of our relationship.  He just rolls up and drives off gloriously oblivious of anything that could go wrong.  And we both get there!! Each of us can be impervious to the other’s good driving points and loudly indignant if our partner ‘helpfully’ suggests any driving hints (or forgets to help when navigating in John’s case!)  How we navigate these differences is what gives surprise, challenge, energy and sometimes joy to our partnership.

The joys of sailing

Still driving, I started to wonder what type of car would describe my sex life and to see how it has varied over the years from a low-slung speedy roadster to a regal Bentley and all points in between.  I have discovered the joys of sailing along at only 60 mph on the motorway.  Then my mind can be happily engaged with things of interest rather than on overtaking and the racer tailgating me in the outside lane.  I have found that in an older model I can turn off and go down side roads where I will see new landscape and arrive in a different frame of mind.  And when I’m feeling wicked I don’t need to worry about the paintwork so much when I am making a cheeky manoeuvre!

When an Aston Martin was my dream car I couldn’t image many other choices.  Happily, every make and model of car has its surprises and detours and as I navigate the different stages of my life, energy and interests I appreciate the slow as well as the fast.

So I wonder, what sort of car would best describe your sex life right now and what type of journeys do you usually take?  What would you change if you could be a different model and what type of roads and scenery would you enjoy in your life if you had the choice?  Maybe you do.

Image: Paul Bica Nature’s Painting (Flickr) 

Why choose sex coaching?

Why do people choose sex coaching to support their relationships? It may not be what you think. In our experience people often decide to explore their sex lives because they find they are dissatisfied or uncomfortable with an area of their life that they value. But for others it is just because they want more fun and play and new ideas.

Many people, like the two of us, go through different phases in their sex lives. Like all aspects of life there can be highs, lows and sometimes, just indifference! Life shifts like the pressures of a new baby, challenging work. Even weight gain and loss can change our feelings about our bodies and how much time and energy we have to give to them.

Reduce suffering in our lives through our bodies

Shouldn’t sex enhance our relationships? We are born with this capacity for pleasure and erotic tenderness and yet how often it can just feel out of reach. For John and me, the easiest place to reduce suffering in our lives is through our bodies. Our experience is that the body is the only place where life is actually lived, not in the imaginings of our minds. Because our bodies are our own, they are one place where we can choose to make changes that have an immediate impact.

We feel passionate about the simple routes to pleasure that can be opened up with appreciation and acceptance, of our own bodies and of our partners’. Our agenda is to support people who want to be free of assumptions and expectations of what sex ‘ought’ to feel like or ‘should’ accomplish. Instead of what you think is happening, what is happening? How can you shift your attention to expand your connection and pleasure?

Noticing feeling

So often people come to us with unrealistic beliefs that everyone else is enjoying an incredible sexual relationship that is being denied to them. Sometimes this is due to lack of confidence in their skills or way of communicating. At other times it is due to past experiences, physical issues or habits that undermine their pleasure. Often though, people seem to have wildly inflated assumptions about what ‘normal’ standards of sexual relating must be. Instead of noticing what feeling is available to them people are focused on what is not apparently happening. This way lies misery!

So a good starting place for exploring sexual relating is by focusing on the body’s sensations. Healthy sexual relationship is not about changing our minds but changing our experiences by paying attention to our bodies. If this sounds true to you why not take 5 minutes every day to really listen to your body. It could be in the bath or shower or slowing down to feel the air on your skin during a walk. Just starting to pay attention to your body can pay dividends down the line when you want to feel more satisfaction in intimate moments.