When we talk about premature ejaculation, we’re really talking about several different issues, and it’s helpful to distinguish them.
The first is a euphemism for unsatisfactory sex, particularly for the woman. The man just comes too early. But what is it that is really premature, the ejaculation or the intercourse?
Because culturally we’re so fixated on intercourse ( the giveaway being that we regard everything else as foreplay, the warm up act for the main event), men will frequently initiate intercourse before the woman is ready. Women, understandably, are likely to find this selfish. But it’s important to be aware of men’s anxiety around their erection. They are very frequently worried that their erection will suddenly go away. This would, they think, expose them to shame and ridicule. So, they have to ‘use it before they lose it’.
One of our friends did a social history film about sex. The film is about 30 years old now. She got a group of older people to talk about their early experiences of sex. One of the participants, a man, said that it would never have occurred to him that woman got pleasure from sex. He paused and said “I would have thought that orgasm was a kind of beer”. There was then a long pause, and his face got sadder and sadder, thinking of all the waste.
We’re not suffering from the results of patriarchy in this way anymore, thankfully. But instead of making our focus a lot wider than the act of intercourse, we’ve simply added an insistence that men should be able to control when they ejaculate. And then it is shameful for a man if he can’t do this. Where are we to find intimacy, connection and pleasure in this jailhouse of expectations?
Oftentimes, men look for technical solutions, so they can go on and on, like Sting! But the solution is embodiment and connection, not a technical fix.
I work by reconnecting men to their bodies, by resensitising them, and by providing a safe space where these issues can be talked about, free of shame. I teach men about breathing, about how to be more aware of rising levels of excitement, and how to bring those energies down. So rather than experiencing a sudden spike and it’s all over, you can reach a plateau and then continue. But the most important thing is that I emphasise connection, rather than performance.
If you think I can help you, please get in touch.