Intimacy Surrogacy

Intimacy Surrogacy is the missing piece in the world of sexual healing. But to talk about it, we need to set a historical context.

 

If, 100 years ago, you had a sexual need, desire or problem, you broadly had two options.

 

You could consult a doctor if you thought the cause was physical.

 

Or a psychotherapist of some sort if you thought it was to do with your history, with your functioning, with unhelpful ideas you might have about sex, or if you had shame, trauma, or whatever.

 

Conversely, if you had a sexual need where you wanted a clear something, you could buy that ‘something’ from a sex worker .

 

That’s the  traditional dichotomy in the sexuality field: Expertise or Body.

 

 You either buy professional expertise, or buy the use of someone’s body.

 

And that dichotomy, primitive as it sounds, has carried itself forward to the present day. Even though there are now many varieties of people operating in the field of sexuality:

 

Sexological Bodyworkers like myself. Sexual surrogates, [talking] sex therapists, somatic sex therapists,sex coaches and so on.

 

The tendency has been to stick to one of these two poles. So Sexological Bodyworkers, for example, have endeavoured to adhere themselves to the pole which is characterised by  expertise. And which looks like it.

 

For instance, there’s a rule that touch is just one way.

 

And the session takes place in a very structured setting, it’s professional. Like the psychotherapeutic world, there’s often an edifice of supervision, ethical guidelines to be followed, a system of complaints and so on. It’s like psychotherapy, just with touch added. 

 

Sexological Bodyworkers and similar practitioners are doing their best to appear to be like doctors or like psychotherapists: they’re professional people.

 

.And that model of professionalism implies a number of things. It implies expertise. It implies a clear ethical set of standards. And, critically, it implies a particular way of relating which is, no doubt, warm, which is responsive, but which has a certain distance to it.

 

It’s professional.

 

And plainly the purpose of that is to distinguish people like them – like me – quite sharply from sex workers.

 

And that’s particularly necessary  because the bulk of practitioners in this field are women, and the bulk of their clients are men.

 

 So you can see how a sharp distinction comes about.And how those qualities of professionalism, of touch being one way and of the relationship being professional rather than relational characterises everybody working in this field.

 

So even with sexual surrogates, where touch obviously isn’t one way, where there’s a likelihood of sexual interaction with the client, the attitude is one of professional distance. In spirit.

 

This clustering around the professional pole creates a real problem.

 

Which is what?

 

When you come to see people like me, there’s  two ways of working.

 

One  is to just give you a particular physical experience. So if you don’t experience much pleasure in your body: or you’re carrying around a lot of stress, or you’re suspicious,or vigilant so can’t experience pleasure. People like me can really help with that through agreed, consensual touch

 

Alternatively, you might need other things. You might be lacking in confidence or don’t know how to communicate,  or find you are a doormat all the time, or can’t assess your needs, or don’t know what your needs are, all of that sort of thing, then we can give you tools like The Wheel of Consent, or various Sexuality Maps. So we give you tools to navigate the contours of a world where previously there were just dragons.

 

But the problem with that is, as far as the bodywork is concerned, that it might be very helpful in allowing people to live differently in the world out there but very often it’s seen as a sort of pleasure island. Not right away, because there’s a lovely period when people realise they have a much greater capacity for pleasure and presence than they thought. But there’s a limit to that. And after reaching that limit, people still have a deficiency in their life [a sexless marriage for example] and they can come and have a lovely session and then they feel better.They can go out into the world again, refreshed and revitalised, but that world remains essentially the same. It’s difficult to make a jump from what you can experience in the session to how your world outside can be different. So Pleasure Island is gradually re- located further and further away from the Sea of Tranquility. And rather closer to Shit Creek.

 

.The problem – and it is a problem that’s hiding in plain sight – is that our sexuality has two aspects to it. It firstly has an experiential aspect:“What do I feel and what can I feel?” [ and we can obviously help you feel a lot more] But it also has a relational aspect:

“ What am I feeling and what do I desire in this connective field with another person?”

 

And that relational aspect within the professional model is deficient.

 

In a gradual way, very often working with colleagues rather than with clients, I’ve been exploring ways to address this.

 

What I would often find, for instance, if I’m having a bodywork session with a client, is that the quality of the touch part of the session would be dramatically enhanced if the client felt safe to fully express themselves and felt received in the conversation we had beforehand. And, building on that, if it felt right, it could be a very good idea, after the conversation but prior to the touch work, to dance with the client, which really helped to build on that initial connection. I’ve written more about this here.

 

And when we got to the touch part of the session, .rather than inviting the client to simply.lie down on my massage table, as they would on a visit to a doctor or physio or masseur, to perhaps start the session in a position chosen by them, such as sitting on the table or standing up, and then being free to move or sound as the urge took them

 

And it also felt a very good idea to allow two way touch.

 

You can see how, given the majority of clients are men and the majority of practitioners are women, why a rule is there for one way touch only, but that loses a lot of its force when the practitioner is male. If the client is also free to engage in touch as well,that’s often very helpful – because it’s relational – but within certain boundaries. It’s important for me that I do not engage with my client in a directly sexual way, because plainly there’s the possibility of delusion on my part. A failing common to many male practitioners.

 

So what I can give, which is distinct, is an emotional and relational warmth to the client rather than simply a ‘professional’ warmth.

 

That emotional, relational and embodied warmth is Intimacy Surrogacy.

 

And to me, it makes several important things more possible.

 

The first is that rather than the experience being a sort of pleasure island that you go to, then go back to the world as usual, we are modelling how you would like actual interactions in your world to be. And because the modelling is much closer to your possible interactions with people in the world outside,I think it’s got a much better chance of creating real change

 

But the second thing is that what we can experience, and I think this particularly applies to women that I’ve worked with, the depth and the vividness of our experience has a connective quality to it.In other words,if we feel connected, we can experience much more

And that experience isn’t just what we might be experiencing in sensory terms, but on the widest range we have.We are experiencing more emotionally. We’re experiencing more in our visual imagination. We’re experiencing more energetically.We’re experiencing more spiritually

[ If you’re interested in exploring the possibility of working with me, just email me at johnwebberfraser@gmail.com or text me on 07545707751 and we’ll get something in the diary]

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What Is Intimacy Coaching?

Cuddle Party

What is intimacy coaching?

When people come to a sexuality professional, the general sense is that something will be done to them. They’ll experience more, or experience something different, or expand their knowledge and expertise, as in:

“I’ll experience something new”

or

“I’ll learn something new”

In this scenario, the sexuality professional is the expert, like a doctor, who’ll work out what’s wrong, and fix it. Fix you.

Intimacy coaching is different. It has similarities with surrogacy. The similarity is slightly hidden, because when we think of surrogacy, we generally think of it in terms of sexual intercourse: the idea that people who have a fear of intercourse can overcome it through having sex with a surrogate.

My experience of surrogacy was different. When I was working in London in 2015 with the great Sue Newsome, we would work together with a client. She would take the role of the therapist, and I would take the role of the body, the surrogate. All that was required of me was to be physically available and emotionally honest.

I never had sex with the client, who tended to be of two kinds.

In the first, the [female] client would often have a lot of sex, but would find it unsatisfactory and superficial, because it was normally drink or drug fuelled, and lacked intimacy and emotional connection.

In the second, the client might be having sex or not, but the fundamental issue was a lack of confidence.

Both types of client found intimacy problematic. Eye gazing was difficult for them. Likewise embracing.

It seemed that the first kind of client used substances as a kind of bridge to move from ordinary experience to sexual experience. The problem with that was that the relaxation and connection engendered in the body -which would naturally lead to arousal, in its own time – through simple intimacy was missing, which meant that when it got sexual, the body, and the heartful, loving self within the body, got left behind, rendering the whole experience repetitive and superficial.

And for the second kind of client, they found intimacy difficult because they regarded it as the entree to something – sex – where they felt inept and unconfident. This person thought of sex as being like a skill, or like a language everyone else knew but her.

When I started working independently, I forgot all about this. I thought of myself as a bodyworker, working with people on the massage table, enabling them to feel safe and relaxed sufficiently to experience sexual pleasure, perhaps for the first time in their lives.

However, I found I had some clients who, in response to touch, not matter how slow and safe I went, seemed to become more disconnected from their bodies. In experimenting with ways out of this, I gradually came back into connection with surrogacy.

I found that by coming into relational contact with the client, allowing them to embrace or be in contact with me, or having them experimenting with how they wanted to be touched, or how they wanted to relate with me [through dancing, for example], changed everything.

The intimacy opened up a space for desire. Relational desire, where it wasn’t what you were having done to you, or what you were doing to someone else, but what you were feeling, and what you were feeling together with the other person, me. Feeling with.

I call this work intimacy coaching. There are boundaries to it. I don’t sexually interact with a client. And that boundary is helpful, because it removes the idea that intimacy has an end point. Which leaves the client open to experiment with what they want in the present moment.

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How to be Good At Sex

In Nick Roeg’s film ‘Insignificance’, there’s a great scene where Albert Einstein and Marilyn Munro are in bed together. It’s striking, because we don’t expect people like Einstein (geniuses who live in their head) to be any good at sex. They’re just good at thinking.

 

But here’s the thing: in sex, if nothing else, you are Einstein. Most of us are trying to figure everything out in our heads. Except, instead of thinking new things, we’re all thinking the same things, over and over. Things like, could I be doing better, is this working, what can I do differently and so on. But If you go with the idea of creating relaxing connected pleasure, whatever form it might take, you’ve got more of a chance of a surprisingly loving, appreciative, connected and sexy time.

 

Here are 7 tips to take yourself away from the anxiety of performance and simply be where you are:

 

  1. Connect to your breath. Breath is the best sex aid. You can use it to slow down and relax or speed it up to raise your arousal. Also notice if you hold your breath. Try to breathe deeply. Share breath with your lover: shared slow sexy breathing is very erotic and connected.
  2. Connect with your own body as well as your lover’s body. Notice the sensations all over your body. Where do you enjoy being touched? How do you like to be touched? Can you sense sensations on your thighs, collar bone, hips, back of the neck? Your skin is the biggest erogenous zone and the place you can take in the most pleasure. Learn to feel more. Be mindful and give attention to small gestures, feel textures and enjoy scents. Notice everything. Throw your attention wide open.
  3. Slow down. And slow down again. Slow your touch and your breath.
  4. Get more skilled at sensual touch. Slow stroking with the palms of your hands is better than grabby mindless touch. Slow scratching down a mans back, gentle nuzzling around a panty or bra line, gentle hair pulling, a gentle squeeze on a hip or slow finger tips on that sexy line between the bottom and backs of thighs…
  5. Learn how to gently ask for what you want and give appreciation ..please kiss my neck…mmmmm that feels good. We all like praise, be generous with it as it guides our lover with appreciation and helps us relax
  6. Learn how to connect with your own sexual energy instead of focusing on someone else’s. Taking your intention to being fluid in your hips and pelvis really helps in this, a bit of slow writhing or gentle grinding can be very sensual
  7. Eye gazing is beautiful. Before you begin take 10 mins to sit opposite each other and look into each others eyes. Without touching each other, simply through your eyes, connect as two humans who are going to embark on a shared intimate experience and really see each other with a loving gaze.

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No More Bad Sex

If you ask a heterosexual man what bad sex is, he’s likely to say it’s when sex is boring. He’s unlikely to say, for instance, that bad sex is painful sex, or unwanted sex, or humiliating sex.

 

Yet, that is often women’s experience.

 

At least ten women friends have sent me an article by Lili Loofbourow, ‘The female price of male pleasure’, which goes into this in considerable, painful detail. You can find the article here

 

One of the points the article makes is that we frequently still have a bizarre idea of what consent means. It doesn’t appear mean active, enthusiastic participation. Rather, it seems to be everything short of determined refusal.

 

Who does this serve, really?

 

I  trained with Betty Martin in 2018/2019. She’s most famous for inventing The Wheel Of Consent, and it’s particularly helpful as we try to negotiate a more fulfilling, satisfying notion of sex, leaving behind a Harvey Weinstein entitlement without falling into a new Puritanism.

 

Her work is vital for these times, but consider this: how easily can you answer these questions:

 

What would you like to do to me?

What would you like me to do to you?

 

Simple questions, aren’t they? But very difficult to answer. Maybe I feel that I couldn’t ask for something unless I knew you were going to enjoy it. Maybe I couldn’t ask for something unless I knew you secretly wanted to give it to me, and you’d be thrilled to do so. The questions can get really tangled up with not knowing what we want, wanting to please our partner: myriad questions.

 

But unless we can actually answer these questions, we’re always going to have bad sex, because clear communication is impossible. We’re always thinking of the other person, and are resentful they don’t seem to be thinking of us, or if they are, they’re pretty clueless. It’s a real mess.

 

So, we can’t really separate sex, bad or otherwise, from more general issues of power, autonomy and communication. And you want to address that, don’t you? Me too.

You can read more of my articles here

You can contact me here

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Porn for women

Ages ago, before the internet, I had an affair with a woman who liked porn. We’d have sex, and while I was recuperating, we’d watch some of her porn. The only one I remember was one involving a vacuum salesman and a housewife. You can imagine. I can’t say it did much for me.

Years later, Karen and I were in Las Vegas, at a bizarre French themed establishment. There was a huge screen in our bedroom playing non stop porn. It was incredibly repetitive, just lots of shagging in various positions. I vaguely hoped they might speed it up a bit and play the theme music from The Benny Hill Show, for variety. I found it marginally less erotic than the Goverment’s economic policy.

When I was doing my Sexological Bodywork training, I spoke to one of the other participants about porn. I said that I needed to have a bit of a story and some characterisation. She said she’d fast forward through that to get to the shagging, which was all she was interested in. To each their own, but it did make me think that gender stereotypes about porn are rather patronising.

People often say that there’s no porn for women, but the more general point is why is the general standard so terrible? Is it because 100 years ago people got excited by the transgressive, and pornographers since then have just kept serving up the Old Fayre?

As it happens, there is now quite a bit for the discerning female customer. For instance, www.feministpornguide.com is a brilliant site, taking aim both against terrible mainstream porn and terrible mainstream feminist puritans, like Andrea Dworkin and Catherine McKinnon, who equate porn with patriarchy.

If you were interested, you could also have a wee look at www.erikalust.com and www.frolicme.com

There are a lot of audio resources too. You could try literotica -the website isn’t well designed, but there’s a wealth of content, or Dipsea

When Karen and I were at that funny hotel in Vegas we attended – not as participants – the Porn Awards. It was like the Oscars, but more sincere. Somebody who had been awarded awarded Miss Rear Entry 2007 or something would tearfully clutch her award and say “ I’ve taken a lot of cock for this!” And everyone would cheer and applaud. Then they sung the national anthem. Very American all round. But again, all the material was as erotic as old socks. Don’t be put off by all the crappy male focused stuff: there’s great porn out there, you just have to find it.

Annie Sprinkle said “ The solution to bad porn isn’t no porn, it’s better porn.” She’s right. Happy exploring.

you can read more of my articles here

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Disability and Sexual Expression

One of the clients I found most challenging when I started as a sex coach was a delightful young woman with cerebral palsy.  Let’s call her Rachel.

 

The challenge was threefold.

 

Firstly, there was a change in the normal way of setting up the contract.  I was contacted not by her, but by one of her carers, who sent me an email, as Rachel couldn’t type.  We set up a telephone call with the three of us (I’d normally have met up for a preliminary chat, but Rachel lived in Bolton, and I only visit the NW sporadically), and most of the conversation was with the carer, as Rachel seemed shy.

 

So, that was very unusual.  Normally the contact is just with the client, and it felt weird to have another person involved.

 

Second, because I try my best to be scrupulous about what I offer and what we agree to do each session, I really prefer to meet.  If that isn’t possible, I send a very detailed email outlining what we have discussed and agreed to do in the session.  But here, my correspondent wasn’t my client but her carer, so I was concerned that I would be going into a session without clear agreement.  What if her carer was doing something of her own bat, or was in some other way not acting in good faith?

 

And third, I was painfully aware that I hadn’t worked with a person with disabilities before, and I wouldn’t really know the extent of her disability until we met for our session.

 

In all of this, I was aware that I was reflecting some of the discomfort that our culture has with sex and disability.  The assumptions, often completely unconscious, that we have, include:

 

  • the unexamined idea that people with disabilities don’t have the same sexual needs as the rest of us

 

  • then the related idea that, somehow, the disabled are like children, and so, by extension, anyone like myself seeking to address their sexual needs is akin to a pedophile

 

  • and the strong idea that sexual matters should be private, and natural

 

Having at least some awareness of this reactivity, I tried to keep at the forefront of my mind, that I needed to see the person, not the disability.

 

Rachel had never had a sexual experience with a man, and this is what she wanted to explore.  The people around her were overwhelmingly female. She had a lot of experience of being ‘done to’ but none of receiving pleasure collaboratively and in dialogue.  So I decided that was where we would start.

 

I would have preferred if she had been able to make specific requests for our session, but as she didn’t – or, more probably, couldn’t.  So I structured the session by asking her permission each step of the way.  “Can I touch your face?”  “What does that touch feel like?”  “How could it be better?”  “This is what firmer/softer/slower/faster feels like, which do you prefer?”, and so on.  Sometimes, particularly for women, this dialogue can be annoying, as it can take them out of their felt experience, but here it felt absolutely the right thing to do.

 

It was necessarily slow, and in that slowness, a confident sexual person could gradually emerge.

 

It was a lovely session.

 

Where to go for sex and disability support

 

Rachel contacted me through a colleague in Liverpool who works with the Outsiders Trust (www.outsiders.org.uk).  They do wonderful work for people with disabilities. They offer a Facebook Clubhouse, local meet-ups and lunches, group chats and a Sex and Disability Helpline.  They also offer access to a wide range of therapists and workers in the sexual field.  More power to them!

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