Porn for women

Ages ago, before the internet, I had an affair with a woman who liked porn. We’d have sex, and while I was recuperating, we’d watch some of her porn. The only one I remember was one involving a vacuum salesman and a housewife. You can imagine. I can’t say it did much for me.

Years later, Karen and I were in Las Vegas, at a bizarre French themed establishment. There was a huge screen in our bedroom playing non stop porn. It was incredibly repetitive, just lots of shagging in various positions. I vaguely hoped they might speed it up a bit and play the theme music from The Benny Hill Show, for variety. I found it marginally less erotic than the Goverment’s economic policy.

When I was doing my Sexological Bodywork training, I spoke to one of the other participants about porn. I said that I needed to have a bit of a story and some characterisation. She said she’d fast forward through that to get to the shagging, which was all she was interested in. To each their own, but it did make me think that gender stereotypes about porn are rather patronising.

People often say that there’s no porn for women, but the more general point is why is the general standard so terrible? Is it because 100 years ago people got excited by the transgressive, and pornographers since then have just kept serving up the Old Fayre?

As it happens, there is now quite a bit for the discerning female customer. For instance, www.feministpornguide.com is a brilliant site, taking aim both against terrible mainstream porn and terrible mainstream feminist puritans, like Andrea Dworkin and Catherine McKinnon, who equate porn with patriarchy.

If you were interested, you could also have a wee look at www.erikalust.com and www.frolicme.com

When Karen and I were at that funny hotel in Vegas we attended – not as participants – the Porn Awards. It was like the Oscars, but more sincere. Somebody who had been awarded awarded Miss Rear Entry 2007 or something would tearfully clutch her award and say “ I’ve taken a lot of cock for this!” And everyone would cheer and applaud. Then they sung the national anthem. Very American all round. But again, all the material was as erotic as old socks.

Annie Sprinkle said “ The solution to bad porn isn’t no porn, it’s better porn.” She’s right. Happy exploring.

 

Women’s Sexuality Group Dates 2018

The Women’s Sexuality Group Dates 2018 for the Glasgow Meetup Group are now available for the whole year.  We meet every four weeks between 18.00-20.00 on Wednesdays in Hyndland in the West End of Glasgow.  The schedule is:

24 January

21 February

21 March

16 May

13 June

11 July

8 August

5 September

3 October

31 October

28 November

We are enthusiastic about making this a very lively meeting that is all about inquiry.  We  share our interests and our experiences.  We also create new learning through our inquiry into women’s sexuality for ourselves and in general.  We are always interested in experimenting with the best way to facilitate great conversations. So this year we are starting the year with introducing John as a co-facilitator for our group.  John brings a wealth of different training and coaching style to working with women’s sexuality.  He can also give us a male perspective which can be very helpful in exploring the issues that arise.

 

This doesn’t mean we can’t have a woman only space.  We usually agree the subject of the next meeting at the end of the session.  If a subject comes up where we want to just share as women, we can set that up whenever we want.  The idea is to have as much flexibility as possible and create somewhere that brings in a wide range of new ideas.

 

You may have more questions about how this forum works or how we create intimacy and safety.  If you want to know more please contact Karen through our contact form with your questions.  If you provide a phone number and she will be very happy to arrange a time to chat to find out more about what matters to you and how we can make the group most welcoming for you.

 

To book a place in the group you just need to let us know that you are coming.  The cost is £15  and then you receive all the details for you to join us.  The group will never be more than 12 members at any one session so that we can feel cosy with one another.

 

 

Premature Ejaculation

When we talk about premature ejaculation, we’re really talking about several different issues, and it’s helpful to distinguish them.

 

The first is a euphemism for unsatisfactory sex, particularly for the woman. The man just comes too early. But what is it that is really premature, the ejaculation or the intercourse?

 

Because culturally we’re so fixated on intercourse ( the giveaway being that we regard everything else as foreplay, the warm up act for the main event), men will frequently initiate intercourse before the woman is ready. Women, understandably, are likely to find this selfish. But it’s important to be aware of men’s anxiety around their erection.  They are very frequently worried that their erection will suddenly go away.  This would, they think, expose them to shame and ridicule. So, they have to ‘use it before they lose it’.

 

One of our friends did a social history film about sex. The film is about 30 years old now.  She got a group of older people to talk about their early experiences of sex.  One of the participants, a man, said that it would never have occurred to him that woman got pleasure from sex. He paused and said “I would have thought that orgasm was a kind of beer”.  There was then a long pause, and his face got sadder and sadder, thinking of all the waste.

 

We’re not suffering from the results of patriarchy in this way anymore, thankfully. But instead of making our focus a lot wider than the act of  intercourse, we’ve simply added an insistence that men should be able to control when they ejaculate.  And then it is shameful for a man if he can’t do this. Where are we to find intimacy, connection and pleasure in this jailhouse of expectations?

 

Oftentimes, men look for technical solutions, so they can go on and on, like Sting!  But the solution is embodiment and connection, not a technical fix.

 

We work by reconnecting men to their bodies, by resensitising them, and by providing a safe space where these issues can be talked about, free of shame. We teach men about breathing, about how to be more aware of rising levels of excitement, and how to bring those energies down.  So rather than experiencing a sudden spike and it’s all over, you can reach a plateau and then continue. But the most important thing is that we emphasise connection, rather than performance.

 

If you think we can help you, please get in touch.

Sexual confidence for couples

One thing that affects Sexual confidence for couples is that a surprising amount of people have only had sex with one person: their present or former partner.

 

We sometimes get couples coming to us who have had a long relationship, but somewhere along the way, one of them loses interest in sex.

 

The nightmare couple, for us, comes in two versions.

 

The first is where the partner who has lost interest  and isn’t interested in enquiring why, or doing anything about it. They are there reluctantly, to humour or placate the other partner. We are probably their second stop, after Relate, which won’t have worked either.

 

The second, but less often nightmare couple is where one partner wants us to change their partner, without countenancing any change for themselves. So, someone might want us to magically make their partner desire them. Good luck with that.

 

We can’t work with either of these type of couples. They would be much better seeing us individually.

 

The couples we can work with are people who are brave enough to look at their own behaviour, their way of relating, their expectations and their assumptions. Sometimes, we might think it better to refer them to a therapist we know and trust, for example, where one person doesn’t want to have sex because they’re resentful about something else in the relationship.

 

But very often there isn’t that. It’s just that the fire, mysteriously, seems to have gone out.

 

Familiarity is often the enemy of desire. What we mean by that is that couples often get into a way of having sex, and that way gradually becomes more and more impoverished, until it stops working altogether.

 

So one of the ways we can help is by shaking things up a little. Identify who initiates, and change that. Experiment with different modes of sexuality. If one is always the do-er, change that. If one never asks for what they want, change that. And always, focus on embodiment, connection and communication.

 

We can get very fixed around sexuality. Imagine you had to start and end every conversation with a joke, wouldn’t you get tired of that? Wouldn’t you see that there were loads of great conversations going unspoken?

 

If you want to work with us, we’ll usually meet up with you in a public place for a coffee and chat, to see if we’re a good fit. If we are, then we’ll design with you a bespoke programme of sessions to take you in the direction most satisfying for you. If you feel a bit stuck, and you both want to do something about it, please get in touch.

Everybody thinks everyone is having great sex

Everybody thinks that every one is having great sex.  Everybody but themselves, that is!

 

Lack of sexual confidence can take several forms. Some people haven’t had sex at all.  Others have only had one partner.  Sometimes sexual experiences have been disappointing and frustrating.  And more often than you would expect, people experience their partners as critical and blaming.

 

We’ll write about the challenges of having had only one or two partners in another post, but what about those who have never had sex?

 

Given how sexualised we are as a society, it may seem surprising how many people, of all ages, haven’t had sex at all. And, although it seems odd to say, the sexualisation of society itself is a problem. If you’re well into your twenties, or thirties, or fifties, you probably think you’re ‘abnormal’, and so there’s likely to be a lot of shame too.

 

How can we help?

 

Most importantly, we provide a warm, supportive and completely confidential space where all these issues can be explored, at a pace that’s right for you.

 

We work with the body, so you get a chance to fully explore, appreciate and amplify all your bodily sensations and pleasures. This is particularly useful for people who might identify as asexual.

 

We provide different perspectives, so we can guide you through the whole field of sexuality.

 

We can provide information and knowledge.

 

But most importantly, we can ensure that you’re not having to do this on your own.

 

If you think you might be interested in working with either of us, it’s our practice to meet you for a coffee and a conversation in a public space.  Then we can both see if we’re a good fit.  If we all agree then we’ll work with you to create a bespoke series of sessions to help you grow and flourish.

 

We look forward to hearing from you. And remember: the only antidote to shame is courage.

Xmas Women’s Sexuality Meetup Group Glasgow

It’s that time of year again when some of us will be delighted and some others of us will be horrified by the ‘Spirit of Xmas’.  Whatever your approach is to the festive season, there is a different wee addition to the usual fare is you are a woman who is interested in exploring your sexuality with a group of like-minded women.

 

The Women’s Sexuality Meet Up Group in Glasgow is a two hour discussion group where we can relax as new friends and share our views and experiences, our hopes and dreams and fears in a confidential and warm environment.  We can seek advice from each other, offer our opinions about life and share a good laugh about all the weird and wonderful aspects of sexual expression that we have to come to know in our experience so far.  And we can also bring up things we are wondering about exploring in the future.

We are women  who are different ages with different levels of experience so we try to bring in a range of aspects to the conversations.  We can look at what the words we are using mean to each of us.  We can share how the people around us in our lives may respond to the subject.  We can talk about what these experiences feel like in our bodies and our emotional responses.  We can laugh at the surprises that turn up along the way.  And we can share some of the pain of disappointment that we all feel from time to time when life is bringing us the experiences we had hoped for.

Xmas Women’s Sexuality Meetup Group Glasgow – Save The Date

 

We aim to cover a different theme each time and usually to set this in advance.  However at the Xmas meeting we will decide what is important for us on the day.  This will be on Wednesday 20 December between 18.00 and 20.00 in the West End of Glasgow.  You can book your place by contacting us and paying the £15 in advance.  See you there.

Talking About Sex at Glasgow’s Women’s Sexuality Meetup Group

Talking about sex sounds easy to many of us.  Some of us can’t shut up about it!  So it was interesting for John and I when we ran a workshop on Pleasure for the national Sexpression conference at Edinburgh University recently.  Young, mostly medical students are running a fantastic sex education programme for 16 years around the country.  It is more comprehensive than anything I could have imagined when I was young.

 

How much I would have welcomed knowing then so much that I learnt the hard way through trial and error in my romantic relationships.  Not having a brother, the male body was a strange and unknown landscape and I worked my away around it without a map.  Burt more importantly my own body was a wonder and a surprise as I discovered what I did and did not like myself.

 

I learnt along the way that pleasure is about the senses and my willingness to be in my body.  And once in my body pleasure is about how much I am willing to feel not just joy but all my feelings, to be intimate with myself and to let other people be intimate with me when I choose.

 

So how does this relate to talking about Sex?  In our first Women’s Sexuality Meetup Group in Glasgow we dived into conversation about what interested us.  And what we quickly noticed was that every term we used meant something different to each of us.  Simple words like sex and sensuality and pleasure were not really a common language.  Instead our cultures, our life experiences, our age and our social context all meant that there was a rich sharing of what matters to each of us that could enlarge our understanding of what can really be meant when we talk to another person.

 

We agreed some simple rules for our future discussions

  • We don’t need to have the same views but the inquiry is really valuable
  • The value of sharing what happens in our bodies when we have experiences. We don’t want to be disassociated from our bodies and so need pay attention to how the subjects we are discussing really feel like within us
  • To reflect on our experience of ourselves and our personal peer groups. We come from different backgrounds so we see and can share the ways different groups understand and act on sexuality in their lives
  • To focus on one main topic for each meeting.

Future Topics

1. What is sexual attraction and flirtation
2. What is sex
3. Tantric Goddess session
4. Relationships and sexuality (not the same thing)
5. Desire and wanting
6. What Feminine and Masculine mean and the impact of these words
7. Beauty

And the topic for the next meeting is PLEASURE

If you are a woman who can make it to the West End of Glasgow for 6 p.m. on Wednesdays we will be meeting every four weeks.  The next meeting is 15 November and the cost is £15  Please contact us to book a place.

 

Women’s Sexuality Meetup Group Glasgow

It is a real pleasure for me to see how the community of women who are interested in exploring sexuality and intimacy is growing in Glasgow and Edinburgh.  Our August women’s sexuality weekend workshops, “Reconnecting to feminine wisdom for health and wholeness” and “My Body My Self” with Pauline Mc Cluskey brought together a great group of women who dived straight in to the exploration with honesty, vulnerability and strength.

 

It felt a heart warming to come together with old friends and make new ones.  The workshops gave us the opportunity to  connect with the glories and challenges of living  in our women’s bodies and learn from our different ways of being feminine.  It inspired me to set up a regular meeting for women to support and learn with each other about the different paths of pleasure and find more freedom in self-expression.  So the Women’s Sexuality Meet Up group Glasgow was born!

 

Conscious sexuality and body confidence give us a fantastic springboard for tapping into our creativity and living life with more passion. As women, most of us are less confident than we could be in this area and so we can limit our enjoyment in life and underestimate our positive impact on others.

 

For the first introductory meeting we will be holding an informal and fun session to identify what would really make our group a stimulating, expansive and place to be. We will be setting the agenda for the types of subjects we will be exploring together over the next few months. We will be agreeing how to ensure that we feel safe, supported and also challenged to express our sexuality as women in a way that is fully authentic for each one of us.  https://www.meetup.com/Women-Only-Sexuality-And-Wellbeing/

 

The  Women’s Sexuality Meetup Group Glasgow will meet in Hyndland (West End) and there are only 10 places available. The date is Wednesday 18 October between 18.00- 20.00. We will agree our schedule at this meeting.  The cost is £15.

 

In addition, John and I will be running a workshop for students on the lovely subject of ‘Pleasure’ for the Sexpression National Conference at Edinburgh University on Sunday 4 November 2017.  I am looking forward to bringing some of the wisdom we have been sharing in our women only forums to introduce to young women and men at the start of their adult lives.  The more we can pass on our hard won learning, the more joy will be spread in the world and that feels like a great move in the right direction to me.

 

What Men Really Want

When I reflect on what I remember about my lovers, I very rarely remember the sex.  Certainly with some of them there wasn’t much to be memorable about and this is a view with which they would certainly concur!  But even when there was a strong sexual compatibility, my memory goes in a different direction.

 

For example, I will remember lying in bed with someone who I certainly had great sex with, but what I remember isn’t the sex, but her sitting up beforehand, taking her makeup off, and me looking at the curve at the small of her back, and feeling very happy and contented.  And the other memories are of a similar nature.  Not about acts, but about feelings, particularly feeling that I was loved and accepted.

 

I think a lot of men are over focused on sex, because it evokes those feelings in them.  As it were, they find their heart through their cock.

 

And, if women don’t understand this, they will feel oppressed and annoyed by their man’s singular focus on sex.

 

Likewise, because men have the need to be loved and accepted, this can easily curdle into an idea that it’s the job of the man to be a ‘good’ lover.  And this degenerates further into an idea that men should be technically proficient.  This results in behaviour which can drive women crazy, and not in a good way.  It’s like the guy is touching you, looking at you to see the effect of the touch, like he’s trying to get his car to start or something. It’s the opposite of intimacy, but it comes about through a desire to be loved and accepted.

 

And it is exactly that which drives couples apart.

 

So what can be done?

 

The single biggest change would be to switch the focus from Yang to Yin. Yang touch is purposeful and goal directed.  It wants to get you aroused and have an orgasm.  It is about will and intention. It is very prominent in our society.

 

Yin touch is different.  It is very present focused, and the emphasis is on presence, awareness and connection.  It isn’t trying to bring about anything.  Yet, something always happens.  Not in a ‘faster, faster, louder louder’ sort of way, but it always does.

 

I remember a client reflecting back on our session, saying that I had “very advanced techniques”.  But actually, I didn’t.  But what I did have was a completely loving, focused, present moment awareness of him, trying as best I could to be in dialogue with his body, not to force it to go to a preordained destination.

 

If you have a Bodywork session with Karen or me, yin focus is generally where we’re coming from.  You can begin to see how liberating and enlivening that is for your body, and you can then apply that to your life and to your relationships.

 

A Weekend of Women’s Sexuality Workshops August 12 and 13 Glasgow

EBL Hummingbird Events

More details about our two brilliant women’s sexuality workshops with Pauline McCluskey in August.

Reconnecting to feminine wisdom for health and wholeness

Saturday Workshop 13.30 – 19.00

For women who want to reconnect to their innate wisdom and capacity for health and wellbeing.


Childbirth, miscarriage, menopause or problems in the pelvic bowl, combined with the stresses and strains of busy lives, can disrupt our natural creativity and flow as women. This workshop is an opportunity to come back to ourselves, to reconnect with our wholeness, at every age.


Using a combination of meditation, movement and simple, fun Group and partner exercises in our women’s circle, we will explore what holds us back and what limits our connection to our creative feminine energy.

 

We’ll re-acquaint ourselves with our bodies and our sexiness in a supportive, nurturing space.

 

My Body My Self

Sunday Workshop 10.30 – 17.00

 

Will offer some new perspectives on consent, autonomy, body confidence and comfort in our female selves. As women, we are bombarded with messages about how we should look, what we should wear, how we should behave. We’ll give these perceptions and expectations a good shakedown, let go of some of the things that hold us back, and reconnect with our unique, self assured, beautiful and fabulous selves.

 

Both events will combine fun exercises and conversations to connect us to ourselves in new, thoughtful and experiential ways, with an emphasis on supporting each other as women.

 

Pauline Mc Cluskey

 

They will be led by Pauline McCluskey, assisted by Karen. Pauline is a sex, intimacy and relationship coach with a special interest in supporting women to find their natural capacity for aliveness, confidence and creativity. She draws on many years experience as a nurse, facilitator and teacher, and on her training in Tantra and Women’s Pelvic Health Care to support women in groups, in relationships and one to one.

 

Details

 

Each day is a stand alone at a cost of £65, or you can attend both days for £110.

Places are limited to 15 for each day and booking is essential. For more details and to book, email dakaoflove@gmail.com

Venue is Yoga Healing in Mansfield Street in the heart of Glasgow’s West End, ideally located for transport links to Edinburgh and other cities